Massage Lessons



I’m marking the last of the written assignments (Business) for students of the South class and I am tickled by some of what I see.  For example, one paragraph begins like this: The target market would initially be adults of a sound mind.  Does this mean that insane adults would be considered as the business progresses?  But I get the point.  It was written by a pretty little lady who has pronounced sex appeal and I guess that she anticipates having more than her fair share of sexual attention in the massage business, but she is no weak heart, so she will be quite fine.

Some persons chose to itemize the treatments they will offer along with their prices.  For example, there is: Shoulder Massage $70, Arm Massage $50, Wrist Massage $30, Thigh Massage $60, Knee Massage $40, Foot/Ankle Massage $50, Pelvic Massage $75, Waist Massage $100, Back Massage $150, Full Body Massage $350.  My advice?  Take the full body.  The pieces aren’t adding up to anything economical.

The Waist Massage is ideal and could be a hit for those women who want to ‘emulsify’ their fat.  The Pelvic Massage is too cheap, considering that that may end up being the ‘house special’ when wind of it gets around.  When the student handed me the paper she begun explaining why she listed the massages as is, and I stopped her.  Like every other teacher, I sometimes labour over assignments, so I was not about to have a moment of humour taken from me.  On Sunday I will thank her for the joke.

Sunday class in my corner had its own lyrics.  Well, before the class I was having a shower when the phone rang.  I dried my ear and answered it.  Someone who seemed serious about having a massage was on the other end and our exchange was respectful.  Then he asked: what happens if ‘the client’ gets an erection?  Why were we shifting from first person to third?  Was it so difficult to say: what happens if ‘I’ get an erection?  I can understand the lady’s statement about sane adults.  I asked him: what happens if ‘the client’ sneezes?  He said ‘sneeze’ was not being discussed.  I told him in either case there is nothing to be done.  It just is.  He hung up.

Back to the lyrics in my corner.  During the class, one student expressed a desire for some ‘hog’ plum bush to prepare a sitz bath.  Discussion ensued on the appropriateness of the container to be used, with options including an enamel bucket with a piece of board across the top.  Hmmm.  Another student volunteered to have her boyfriend bring some of the bush when he was coming to pick her up.  Accepted.  Before he arrived, the husband of another student came to the rescue with a sizable branch.  The boyfriend showed up after everyone (except his girlfriend) had left with no sign of the bush.  It was tucked away in his haversack.  When he displayed it, there was a stark difference to what the other spouse had brought.  I decided to keep it.

Later, the student who needed the bush called and I told her that the guy brought the bush but it looked different.  She defended her version as being correct.  I told her he said that what she had might be ‘hot’ plum and what he brought was the real ‘hog’ plum.  Hmm.  She might be sitting on the wrong thing.   Anyway, she insisted that hers was the ‘hog’ and that I could go ahead and sit on the other one.  No, dear. No, thank you.  Which woman in her right mind would sit over a hog?   The damage could be irreparable.  As for hot…  Is that like ‘pepper’ hot?  For me, sitting over plum bush is contraindicated.  Too much uncertainty.  When in doubt, don’t.

On the health of the female reproductive system, a student was sharing a story with me on Sunday morning.  I usually find reason to preach the Gospel according to Enema, so I did talk about it some time ago and based on feedback, a few persons are taking it seriously.  We have personal notions as to what constitutes ‘proper’ conversation, so if many were already practicing it, only one person openly confirmed such.  That’s okay.  Back to the lady.  She got a ‘water bottle combination’ set and has taken on her family members and whosoever will…with very good results, especially in the excretion of worms.  She was sharing with another student and I how she had done an enema for a lady who has a history of issues with worm.  She strongly felt that this was connected to the woman’s incessant ‘need’ to eat meat.

In her younger days the woman had worms so badly that they used to migrate from her anus into her vagina.  Needless to say, they would have done some damage.  (Dismiss the mental image).  When she became older and desired children, she found herself unable to conceive.  Worms feeding on the eggs…sperms?  Yes, there was the usual run of the mill with Doctors.  No luck.  The student took on the ‘project’ and was excited to report that the lady is now pregnant.  No, I didn’t want to know how many sessions she did with the lady.  While several persons had screwed up their faces when I spoke, one person is running with the mantle successfully.  Everything is not for everyone.  This experience has boosted her confidence and that’s good enough for me.  Massage is massage, but we all bring our signature to it.  If this is one of hers, well…

The body is our clothing and clothing needs to be laundered…at some point.  Turn the pockets out and wash them.  Embracing is also part of the body’s maintenance.  How many persons are aware that their intimate embraces are accompanied by parasites?  Would a man enthusiastically ‘enter’ a woman knowing that he has company in there?  Is this the kind of information a woman volunteers?  When that woman experiences a climax and her womb contracts, and the worms are aggravated and stick out their heads, does a man know that his tickles are coming from more than vaginal contractions?  Kudos to the celibates.  Peace of mind is critical.