It is always interesting how I never know what I am going to write about next, then something happens and a long string of words ensue. Let me tell you what happened… My friend called to thank me for loaf of bread I sent her and inquired of the ingredients as she felt we could market this brand of bread. Hmmm. I told her I’m an ad hoc cook, so ingredients are added or subtracted depending on my experimental mood, hence the next bread will not be exactly like the one she got and customers appreciate consistency. I was in a taxi coming from Chaguanas and doing a shouted-whisper with my head bent in a corner, so the conversation did not last long. Before she hung up and told her I could not believe that I had that black thing in my bedroom for over a week and missed the opportunity to use it. Hehehe was the prolonged response I got. Then more hehehe.
She had attended one of the HIV/AIDS workshops a few months ago and they recently handed out kits for participants. Since she was ill, she asked me to attend the handing over ceremony on her behalf. So there I was, all smiles with camera flashing in my face while collect the kit, not knowing the contents. A list of the contents would have been sent to her. I brought it home and placed it in a corner in my bedroom. Arrangements were later made for me to give it to her husband and on that day I baked added the bread to the contents. I reached into the bag to rearrange the contents so that the bread could fit, and my hand came up with a sizable shiny black dildo. I looked around hastily. Some awkward moments defy explanation and I automatically wondered what I would say if my children saw this in my hand. I quickly dropped it in the bag. I understand that she is expected to demonstrate the correct way to put on condoms, etc., but Good Lord!, that was in my bedroom all this time? What a waste! Now this is why she making that hehehe sound. She was laughing for so long I told her not to waste her credit, we’ll talk about it another time.
The same evening I gave the kit to her husband, I went to visit another ill friend. When I got there she had a visitor. We all knew each other so I took a seat and said what was on my mind…how badly I lapsed and missed an opportunity. They wanted a detailed description of the dildo. I tried. Then the visitor said she preferred vibrators. I told her I heard that over time vibrators have been known to disrupt the nervous system and trigger unexpected spasming of the vaginal muscles when you anywhere but in your bedroom. This has not been her experience. Not that it should, the statistics is usually about 1 in a 1000, or some less significant figure. What she did experience was the speed of the vibrator malfunctioning. My friend asked what she was doing with it to cause that, specifically, she wanted to know if she was using it rough. She said those things cannot be used rough, and that she had no idea what happened. She put in new batteries, but the speed is not adjusting as should. She was very liberal in sharing her experiences and my face and diaphragm were soon aching from laughter.
I believe that this thing ending up in my possession was an Act of God. He likes to play subliminal games with me. Does this mean I should get myself a dildo? Does it mean He has begun working to fulfill my desire for a companion and sent me a sample of the penis to see if it meets my expectations? If that is part of a man, I can’t wait to see the rest of him. As one friend reminded me, the Tantric and Taoist folks had it right all along, everything is about sex, connection. A penis is a bridge, it connects the male to the female, and God must be seriously thinking of fortifying my connection. I won’t be able to move. It is typical of God to send us samples of things we asked for, and as in my case, we often fail to recognize them, and without confirming or giving our approval, the production of the whole item stays on hold. Subconsciously, I approved of the sample by touching it. Now I wait with bated breath for the finished product.
While I wait, thoughts are flying through my head. It has already been established that we have three (main) appetites: food, knowledge, and sex. There are several food groups from which we must eat to get the nutrients our bodies need. Our five senses give us access to a wide range of knowledge, and even more is had when we venture into formal education. Why can’t it be normal to have several sex partners with whom to explore the intricacies of sex to our satisfaction without being frowned upon? Several sources are necessary for food and knowledge, but not sex? That’s bias. We’d have breakfast, know we’ll be having lunch, and still equip ourselves with a snack. We’d read the newspapers first thing in the morning, know we’re heading into a teleconference at work, and still have a novel in the car just in case. When will we have sex in the morning, know we are returning home to sex in the evening, and walk with a sex toy in case we feel to satisfy our in-between sexual hunger? We don’t stay hungry all day or week because a particular person is not there to cook for us. We don’t keep the TV on a channel that has gone off air waiting indefinitely for it to return. How then do we insist on waiting on one special person for sex and allow ourselves to feel frustrated because they are often unavailable when we need them? Maybe sex toys should be marketed as snacks for these situations. I heard that…God made woman for man. I do believe that God also made breasts for feeding babies, but we use formula, and He made the brain for processing information, but we use machines. The fact before us is that we accept over eating as a norm, and we accept the bombardment of the information superhighway, but we struggle sex.
I have also heard that for the female, the thought of sex toys is disgusting, indecent, vulgar…because they have put it inside. Well, not all are like that. But think too of the other things we put inside without a sense of nausea or guilt. Like the artificial colours, flavours and preservatives that we put deep into ourselves almost every day for years. Unlike a vibrator, they do not stop at the cervix, they go all the way into our blood stream and mess with our hormones and re-write our DNA. Is that vulgar? Do we feel guilty? And what about the literature and media that project twisted information that distort out thinking? That goes deep into the mind and alters our behaviour. Do we feel guilty about that? So what really is our problem with toys as a means of familiarizing ourselves with sex?
During childhood we play with water guns that allow us to actually perform the actions of a gun and we run around shouting War Break! On the other hand, the game of Doll House is limited to home management with little/no scope for expressing spousal affection. Is it any wonder that we have ongoing covert/overt wars in our adult relationships while possessing little knowledge of conflict resolution, or that many women bring their Doll House skills into the corporate world and become some of the best managers? This lack of expression in our childhood spills over into adulthood and we spend our 20s and 30s playing with sex, trying to understand it, and hurting many in the process. This has nothing to do with promiscuity, but our sexual behavior (or lack of it) in and/or out of our legal/consensual relationships. If we had spent our childhood playing with sex with comparable time that children play with the gadgets technology tosses up, we might come into our 20s realizing and utilizing the potentials of sexual energy. But that has to wait for our 40s and 50s, or much later depending on the changes evoked by our life experiences.
Maybe, when we see an elderly man in a relationship with a young woman we are looking at a man who has figured out something about sex and has no qualms getting himself into a groove (literally) where he can access the abundant sexual energy that youth offers for his self-development. But we label him as a sugar-daddy and are sure he is impotent and merely trying to impress society with a young lady on his arm. He does not care. He knows that if he gave her all his wealth she would still not be properly compensated for what she has afforded him on a non-physical level. He knows that when it comes to sex, 1+1 is not 2, but synergy – an explosion of possibilities, several of which his maturity allows him to discern and utilize.
I recently visited a client who told me of his granddaughter having completed her degree in Psychology and her brother started his this semester in Marine Zoology – never heard of that degree before. Their mother is always on a construction site as she is a Project Manager. Each member of that family has been allowed to explore knowledge in the way they prefer. Why is this range permitted with knowledge but not sex? Why do we consider it proper to belong to a family of heterosexuals who are bent on monogamy for all its perils and swear by the missionary position while they engage in leisure eating and leisure reading, but associate leisure sex with Hell?
Thankfully, maybe, there is at least one tradition that allows for young women reaching puberty to be introduced to sex. It is a rite of passage so it is ritualistic with no foreplay, and a wooden dildo is used. The crafting of wooden dildos goes way back into our History and raises eyebrows as to the modesty of our foreparents, for they weren’t only made for ceremonial purposes. Maybe we should start buying sex toys for our adolescents just like we buy ‘trainee’ bra for our daughters and the next generation would have better quality of relationships since sex would not be a major push factor and spousal selection could effectively have a criterion that includes morals, social status, financial security, leadership skills, etc. The stuff we claim doesn’t matter when blinded by desire, yet we insist on once such is satisfied. Christmas is around the corner, and so too are several suppliers of sex toys. If you need company, call me up and let’s go get something for ourselves and children. Well, someone did volunteer to take me shopping for my birthday, but in the moment it dawned on me that while using the toy I might have visions of them observing me as they would have seen what I selected in the store. I declined the offer. Forget that accompanying thing.
I also thought of the many decent women who bought into the concept of which Maya wrote: walking like she has diamonds at the meeting of her thighs. We should be careful in saying this aloud as it is wide open for speculation. While it communicates that we have something very precious there, it is also saying that that very precious thing is very hard, much harder than the average rock. No penis is capable of such hardness. That’s more like a crystalized vibrator, which makes the modern-day rubberized vibrator quite manageable. If some objectivity could be indulged…I’d say sex toys have at least two benefits. Physically they provide self-education allowing women to discover whether they orgasm primarily from the so-called G-spot or clitoris. Many women who are sexually active, and even have several children, seldom/never had an orgasm. Maybe they need to understand a bit more about themselves then to communicate that understanding to their partners. If the vibrator works, then they’d know they are G-spot gals, if it doesn’t then they’ll know they need a different toy to stimulate the clitoris, or a vibrator with multiple features. Psychologically it could simply be a meditation piece for women who are still too shy to look a penis in the eye. It might also prove helpful in getting women to feel more comfortable with their spouses as they would have had time and privacy to explore this semblance of a penis and discover what feelings it evokes in them and what this possibly means. If the feelings are negative they can stump on it or toss it around the room until their feelings are vented. Hopefully it crosses over into positive feelings to which there are endless expressions including being more receptive and responsive to their spouses’ advances, or initiating such.
This whole dildo/vibrator thing is very much my business if it is considered that vibration is a massage technique and I am a Massage Therapist. I believe that arguments for the liberal use of such toys are valid. I choose to call it inner massage. Many of our women are plagued by feminine problems which may or may not be caused by sexual inactivity and some are advised by medical practitioners to step out of celibacy mode. This can be challenging depending on the nature of the problem, like the horror movie version of endometriosis, for example, a spouse has to be patient to stick with his wife under the fidelity banner. And given that statistics suggests that there are many more women than men, all of our women will not have husbands. Think of the high percentage of young women who will suffer from what I call vaginal atrophy needlessly when the periodic use of a toy can be helpful. So there is a real need for sex toys as an option. The prevalence of these toys does not threaten normal sexual relationships. The information we explored on the Human Energy Field showed that the sacral chakra, which is physically associated with the gonads, has its parallel in our aura as the Emotional Body. This means that despite the usefulness of toys, we consciously or unconsciously need to feel that our sexual actions are not just physical. We need the moaning and groaning of an emotionally available and responsive partner in order to obtain full pleasure from the experience.